I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
