How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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