Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Randomize
