my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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