New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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