I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
