Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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