u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
