I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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