i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm always down for nudity.
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