Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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