We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
