Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Randomize
