youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
