apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
