Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
