He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
