I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
