Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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