I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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