Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
