I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
