just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
