I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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