I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
