12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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