Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
