you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
