I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
