wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
