fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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