Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
