so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
