Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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