just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
