Can i not drive my cunt home
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
