hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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