Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
