Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
