I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
