I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
