There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
