Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
