tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
