I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
