I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
