Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
