Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
