Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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