I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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