ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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