Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
