why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
