sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
